WAY BACK WHEN...
I have medical condition, which doesn't affect me most days (besides always being short!), but I did have doctors in college suggest that I wouldn't be able to maintain a pregnancy. So I've always planned on adopting. When J and I started dating in the fall 2001, I told him pretty quickly about my plans for a family and he was very agreeable, even excited (much better reaction than the previous boyfriend, thank God!)!
J and I were married in 2003, while we were both in graduate school, which isn't the best time for starting a family, especially via adoption (which is costly and time-consuming). But we enjoyed discussing our future kid(s): how we'd raise them, traditions we'd start as a family, what we'd name them. We would also discuss going to Russia to get a cute toddler, and laugh about how much more fun a "vacation" to Europe would be compared to labor & delivery. I figured we'd start the process by 2008, and definitely have a kid by the end of 2009.
As I watched my best friend go through her first pregnancy, I started a tongue-in-cheek list of "Reasons Why Kah Shouldn't Get Pregnant." These reasons included everything from 'I'd have to have a C-section and J would pass out!' to 'I wouldn't be able to cut my own toenails' to 'newborns don't like me' (hers would scream every time I held her). Adding little things to the list always made me laugh, and more sure of my decision that we should adopt. Occasionally, other friends would overhear this list and say something about how once I turned 30, I'd feel differently... I would want to be pregnant and have my "own" baby. I would laugh at them.
Over time, I finished the phd and we moved 600 miles away in 2005 for me to start a postdoc and for J to find a better program for his phd. When we both turned 30 (4 days apart!), we were still strong in our adoption plan....
November 2007
Then one day, while sitting in the movie theater watching 'Harry P0tter' for the second time, I decided I wanted to have a baby. Right then. Started calculating when 9 months from then would be. How that would fit into our others plans. But as I did this mental math, I realized that getting pregnant then wouldn't work with our professional plans. I joked about my newfound desire to be pregnant to J on the way home that night and then let it go.
But a week or so later, our professional plans were pushed back a year (as so often happens in grad school -- a vent for another day!)... And I still wanted a baby. At 30 years and 7 months old, my biological clock had turned on. And it was ticking. Loudly.
When I talked to J, he was enthused. We were ready to have a baby. It fit with our professional plans well now. We had enough money saved up to support a family of 3, but not enough to fund an adoption! And the adoption process takes a long time. We thought, 'ya know? there is a cheap and (relatively) fast way to have a baby -- make one ourselves!'
So we started trying, right after Thanksgiving.
Christmas 2007
My cousin, 5 years younger than me, announced her pregnancy. I would find out later that they started trying to conceive within a week or two of us. They got pregnant round one.
We were optimistic. Although she's not my favorite cousin, we thought how much fun it would be for our child to grow up with a cousin so close in age. We celebrated Christmas with a little secret from all our family -- maybe by next Christmas we'd have our baby with us!!
January 2008
I got into see an OBGYN who gave me a thorough exam and said she didn't see any reason why I couldn't maintain a pregnancy. She did confirm I should have a c-section, but I liked the idea of knowing when the kiddo would arrive, so that wasn't a big deal. We had the official go-ahead for baby-making.
Spring 2008
We were both busy with work and teaching, but we continued to try. Each cycle, I'd start with low expectations, but by the magic time, my hopes were high. I'd be dreaming of how I'd tell everyone. When the due date would be. I made a list of baby names, first and middle, for both genders. Then over the next two weeks that hope would fade until officially snuffed out. But after another two weeks, that optimism would be back... what a cycle!
Summer 2008
We did a lot of travelling this summer. All of the destinations were fun, but J started having GI issues in May and they continued to get worse through the summer. We thought it might have something to do with the stress of grad school, and all of the travelling on top of that. In August, we made a 4am trip to the ER. Poor guy, the next guy I made him try (it was the right time!)... Then two days later he had a colonoscopy. We met with a few doctors, who all suggested Cr0hn's disease.
Additionally, in July, I ended up switching jobs. In actuality, it wasn't a big switch in what I was doing, or who I was working with. But I did end up losing my health insurance, somewhat unexpectedly. Since so many health insurance plans don't cover maternity expenses (yet another vent for another day!), we had to decide what to do. We debated giving up, but decided to spend the money on COBRA to keep trying to have a baby.
In August, my cousin gave birth to a beautiful baby girl after a picture perfect pregnancy, labor and delivery. I cried when I got the pictures. She will always be a reminder of when we tried to get pregnant.
October 2008
We're getting close to the one-year mark of trying to conceive. If we were to get pregnant now, the timing is starting to conflict with our professional timeline again. But by now, we really want a baby. Both of us are so disappointed at the end of each cycle. We decide to try for another 2 months.
The cousin comes for a visit with the new baby. We hold the baby and smile for pictures. We're asked multiple times when we're going to have one. We try to keep smiling while joking through an answer. My sister is the only family member we told about our plans. Our extended families don't even know we've always planned to adopt. I make it to the car before I start to cry.
Meanwhile, J keeps feeling worse. He's been trying some pills for Cr0hn's disease, but they don't seem to be helping. He goes to the doctor again (this time, I wasn't able to attend, of course) who has found that he has a 1-in-700 genetic mutation which prevents him from metabolizing those pills. No other oral medication will be able to help him. He needs to start taking shots, a form of chemotherapy. Oh, and by the way, these are a "Class X" mutagenic drug. Meaning it's nearly guaranteed to cause birth defects. This appointment was on a Friday, and he was scheduled to get the first shot on Monday. And he was told to come in with a list of 2-3 birth control methods we'd be using to prevent pregnancy. So, just like that, we were back to Plan A.
Adoption. It's been the way I planned on having a family for so long. But it hurts now. Not really because I wanted to be pregnant, or have my "own" child. But because it's so far away. We have to save a lot more money. We have to wait until we're settled in one place (we plan on moving this summer or next -- and what's the point in starting a homestudy just to have to redo it all?). And then we still have to wait through the whole adoption process. When will we be matched?? What if that falls through for whatever reason?? When will our child be home??
So we wait. not so patiently. I'm starting this blog in hopes of documenting this time for the future kiddo (do you see how much I wanted you? how long I've waited for you??). Maybe it'll help me get through the wait too. I'm sure I'll learn something from it. Maybe I'll meet new people. And hopefully it'll help me put me thoughts in order for when it is finally our time to become parents! I'd love to have you follow along.... Thanks for reading!
No comments:
Post a Comment